4 things to Look For When Dating After Divorce
When I was in college, my sociology professor warned me that a large percentage of books on love, dating, and relationships were anecdotal. Essentially, people tell you stories about what worked for them and hope that it will now work for you. That warning made me suspicious of anyone pedaling how-to dating advice, especially on the internet.
I was very surprised to recently meet and connect with Emily Avagliano, a self-described mechanical engineer turned dating coach. After some failed and traumatic relationships, she says of the origins of her work:
With a professional career in engineering, I applied that scientific mindset to finding out how love works. I started reading scientific journals and books on psychology, physiology, neuroscience, genetics, and biochemistry. I discovered the key relationship skills that made soulmate love possible based on 30 years of research on thousands of happy couples.
Her approach caught me immediately as based in more than personal stories. It was grounded in science - the science of love.
Some people wrinkle their noses at the idea of a science of love, but Emily’s compilation of work pulls our “oh he’s so dreamy” and “she’s such a catch” talk into something a little less feely and a little more thoughtful.
Emily has very simple guidance for those of us dating after divorce or dating at all for that matter. I’ve used these concepts to teach my own kids what to look for in their own dating experiences. When you are on a date, you need to pay attention to only four things:
Empathy. Is your date capable of seeing things through your eyes? Can they report back to you that you make sense, that your viewpoint is relatable, or that your experience of something was difficult? Empathic behavior lets us know that we are not dealing with a narcissist. It lets us know that our date is willing to be connected to us by inhabiting our world, not just relating our world back to themselves.
Reciprocity. Equal give and take in a relationship shows that your date is willing to extend themselves on behalf of the relationship. If you are doing all of the initiating (asking them out repeatedly, making the suggestions, attempting the connection) and they are either always receiving or rejecting your advances, you do not have reciprocity. Take some time to evaluate whether you are leaving space for their initiation or, if you are leaving space, maybe their lack of action is indicative that they are not ready for relationship.
Maturity. What your date does with your”no” is a crucial observation to make early on. Life requires that our partners be able to handle disappointment with maturity. Listen to how they tell stories about when something didn’t go their way. Watch carefully what happens when you assert a different opinion than theirs. Mature handling of letdowns is a key ingredient in healthy relationships.
Appropriateness. When your date is appropriate, they are acting in ways that match the length of time that you have been in a relationship. If they want to marry you after the first date and make a point of telling you so, that is likely inappropriate. They do not know all of you to know if marriage is a well-advised next step. Your date’s admissions of love (statements like “I love you”) and expressions of love (physical connection) should mirror the amount of time you have been connected.
Together these four attributes form a litmus test of sorts. First, it tests you. Are you demonstrating empathy, reciprocity, maturity, and appropriateness? Check yourself against these standards first of all. After that, assess your date. In the dating world, where feelings can seem to drive everything, this quick evaluation will pull in your thoughtful, reasoning brain to make a more careful assessment of whether to keep at it with this person or say goodbye in order to welcome something healthier.
Dating after divorce requires we re-train our “picker”, or the standards by which we evaluate a new relationship.
Too often after divorce we engage in reactive dating, which puts us in a place to date the opposite of our former partner.
True health and growth can name the things we appreciated about our former partner, things we may in fact want to replicate in a future relationship. It can also acknowledge the truth of where certain qualities in our former partner weren’t a great match and could be avoided.
Above all, enjoy the process. Yes, dating is awkward. Yes dating apps can make the process comical. But your impulse to connect with love again generates from hope. And I’m all in on hoping that you find the gift of relationship that you are searching for, especially after you’ve solidified your relationship with the most important person in your world: yourself.
