Come On Get Happy - In Divorce?
When the word “divorce” is being turned around in your head, happiness is not typically the first emotion that rushes forth. Happiness seems to get escorted out of the room, and you’re left mostly with despair, fear, and overwhelm. On the chance occasion that those difficult emotions lift, the next wave of visitors - guilt, shame, and anger - come to roost.
When Dr. Martin Seligman was instated as the president of the American Psychological Association in the late 90s, he put forth that our happiness is tied to the pursuit of or realization of five elements.
Five Elements of Happiness
Positive emotions
Engagement
Relationships
Meaning
Accomplishments
It’s no wonder that divorce sucks dry our stores of happiness! Our positive emotions skew negative. Our engagement typically looks like disrupted and erratic work and family life due to an exhausted and frightened mindset. Our relationships are, well, broken. Our sense of meaning and purpose are derailed as we approach a largely undefined future. Our feeling of accomplishment is shrouded in the encroaching reality that our marriage may have “failed.” If these five categories contribute to happiness, it goes without saying that the struggle for those considering or in the midst of divorce is real.
What if we could harness these components and actually introduce some genuine happiness into the years long process that is divorce and divorce recovery? The problem is that too many of us wait until “it’s all over” to start to see where these five elements start to get acknowledged in our lives. Let start earlier.
Right now - in either the mess that is your anticipation of divorce, the grind that is the actual proceedings of divorce, or the struggle that is integrating your divorce into your life years later - we can take an inventory and see if we can’t click ourselves every so slightly in the direction of happiness.
Positive emotions. Ask yourself, what joy is easily accessible right now? Maybe it’s your dog, your kids, or your nightly Netflix show. Say it out loud; say what joy this thing brings you.
Engagement. Divorce requires both engagement and disengagement. Where are you engaging in what life needs to look like right now? Where can you praise yourself for how you are absolutely stepping in or showing up (even if stepping in or showing up looks tired and frayed)?
Relationships. Yes, your primary one is dissolving. But your life is made up of many relationships. Which ones are bringing good energy to you right now? Who can you count on? Send that person a text and let them know that their connection with you makes you happy.
Meaning. I know, it can all feel meaningless in divorce and even after divorce. Don’t try to find meaning here; instead, make meaning. What does that look like? Start by reminding yourself that you are the storyteller of this story. This means you can make it a tragedy, a comedy, a drama, or a hero story. Chances are, it is all of those! Check that you are not giving this chapter in the story an entirely negative meaning. Start with this prompt: what am I making my divorce mean about me and my family right now? Is that a complete story?
Accomplishments. You have a 100% track record of making it through hard days. This is an accomplishment! Stop measuring yourself against yesterday’s standards. You are getting somewhere. What can you celebrate? What wins did you get to make happen in the last month? Note the little boosts.
Happiness emerges when we tend to it. I would never recommend that you force it, but by the same token I would never recommend that you ignore it. Invest in this quick inventory as often as you can to nudge happiness out from the corners of your life as you make your way through this transition.
