Divorced Realities: It’s Different at the Other Parent’s Home

Your kids experience a whole different world at their other parent’s home. They eat different things, talk to different people, and observe different ways of living than the one you display. This kind of radically different perspective on how to live is usually something we don’t encounter until we go to college, get an adult roommate, or get married. Our kids are experiencing it at much younger ages.

This dissonance is hard on our kids.  The best of co-parents manage to create some sense of continuity between both homes, but even in the most intentional situations, our kids live the differences.  Mom makes the toast this way.  Dad plays the game this way.  Mom always says this.  Dad lets me do this.  It’s chaotic in their brains.  What can we do as parents to make it less chaotic in their hearts?

1.     Listen to the dissonance without needing to fix it.  After time away from you, your kids may at some point raise an issue that they notice differing between their two houses.  The temptation is to get really uncomfortable.  When they start talking, we start mentally rolling through all the reasons this is not ok and we need to resolve it ASAP.  It’s ok to listen.  This is their life now.  There are two realities.  Our kids need to see us non-anxiously noticing the difference with them.

2.     Observe the level of concern your child actually has about this dissonance.  My kids note how their dad and I cook differently and buy different bread.  It’s not something they need resolved; it’s just an observation.  When COVID-19 started changing the ways we all lived, they noticed that their dad and I had very different responses.  In this case, it was something they very much need resolved.  I asked them what would make it easier for them and we went from there.

3.     Develop a go-to phrase for how you talk to yourself when the conversations get really uncomfortable for you.  Something like “it’s super weird to hear about the life they had without me right now, but my relationship to them grows when I can hear about 100% of their lives, not just the part they live with me here” is a good one to experiment with.  Or try, “when I can comfortably hear their stories about life at their other address, I affirm for them that this is our life, and I welcome and have capacity for every conversation they want to have with me”.

4.     When we don’t work at showing and feeling genuine comfort in these conversations, our kids pick up on that and start to feel uncertain themselves.  You are an example to them of how they manage the stress of two addresses. You are the support to them that says, “yes, it’s different at both houses, and I’m here to help you navigate that as best I can”.

Two-address families result in two-address conversations.  Settle in to this somewhat awkward reality and be the leader your kids need you to be as it unfolds.