Divorcing 101: Spend Money to Save Money (And Your Sanity)
Most women I talk to in the early stages of moving through divorce have questions about how to get through the divorce process as affordably as possible. It’s an understandable goal, since we would all rather buy a new pair of quarantine joggers to lounge in, not pay another bill for a process we don’t want to be enduring. Add in the tremendous uncertainty about your future finances and you start looking for shortcuts wherever you can find them.
Part of what contributes to this penny pinching is that we think the divorce process is transactionally simple. You anticipate that you will divvy up your things, split up your finances, nail down a custody schedule, cry for a while and move on. Understandably, it would seem that you can roll up your sleeves and do this thing largely on your own. Once you get into it though, these seemingly simple tasks take on a degree of complexity that will surprise you. Like a mobile hanging over a baby’s crib, when one divorce component gets decided or even destabilized, it can rock all of the other components. Anticipating those interactions is hard to do on your own.
In their book Divorce: Overcome the Overwhelm and Avoid the Six Biggest Mistakes—Insights from Personal Divorce Coaches, Randy and Pegotty Cooper lays out the Six Biggest Mistakes people can make in their divorce process. One of those six mistakes is not getting help from the right people. Getting the right people around you will give you the comfort of knowing that you are in good hands as you walk this unknown path with professionals that know it well. There is a divorce specialty professional available to assist you in each area of your divorce:
Finances: Certified Divorce Financial Analysts (CDFA) are financial professionals trained in assessing how your division of property will affect you now and over the long term. They can think through your retirement plan and call out future tax issues related to the division of your assets. They help you determine if you can afford the home you live in now and work with assumptions to give you a better picture of what your finances will look like five or ten years down the line based on the settlement options you are considering.
Real Estate: Certified Divorce Real Estate (CDRE) Experts are realtors who have undergone extensive training to develop a mastery around real estate issues as they relate to the divorce process. Their coursework includes input from attorneys, judges, and lenders on how family law and real estate ethics intersect. As a result, they can help you avoid costly mistakes around whether, when, and how you not only list your property, they can also collaborate with your legal help to make sure your settlement reflects good real estate principles. They are experts in the process and provide leadership even in high-conflict divorces.
Attorneys: The type and quality of attorney you choose will have a tremendous impact on the path of your divorce proceedings. You can choose to pursue a collaborative divorce process, which seeks to ensure that you and your spouse work with collaboratively trained attorneys with the express aim of coming to agreement and avoiding in court litigation. A litigated divorce brings you and your attorney along with your spouse and your spouse’s attorney to a judge and courtroom to settle your family matters. A mediated divorce involves a neutral third party who reviews your situation with you and helps you to come to agreement. Attorneys can serve as mediators and unrelated attorneys can file paperwork on your behalf. Good family law attorneys are up to date on the latest changes to law in your state and can advise you on the likelihood of any number of possible scenarios you are considering. The decisions you make during your divorce will affect you for the rest of your life. A wise family law attorney can assure that you’ve done a thorough canvassing of your situation before you finalize.
Mediators: Mediation can be an alternative to a traditional attorney driven divorce and ensures that you remain largely in control of your divorce process. It can have limited effectiveness in situations involving abuse, chronic dishonesty, and the refusal of one party to cooperate. A good mediator can efficiently escort a couple to a mutually agreeable settlement agreement.
Mental Health: Beyond the transactions of divorce are the emotional impacts that come to bear on anyone walking this difficult road. Adult and child therapists specialize in these impacts and in supporting family members as they process the myriad impacts of divorce in their lives. They help family members uncover and recover stories that make this transition difficult. Certified Divorce Coaches also support families by working with adults to discover what’s next now that this life changing event has happened. Divorce Coaches help clients improve communication skills, support their newly arranged family with intention, live from their best self, and take important steps to create a future family that is whole and healed. Where couples can easily put a value on their financial assets, Divorce Coaches help divorcing families learn how to value and treat their relational assets.
There is a movement in our country by some professionals to change the story, tone, and practice of divorce toward a more supportive and highly informed process for the client. Divorce is a complex reality. Don’t go it alone. Surround yourself with people who are trained to support you, guide you, and set you up for a future where you’re in the driver’s seat.
