Five Steps to The Art and Science Of Texting And Divorce
Texting is this beautiful gift in a post-divorce family.
What happens first is you get a downright crazy text from your former partner. They report something to you, accuse you of some thing, do that thing they always do that annoys you, or just in some major way drop the ball.
Because the interchange is not in person, you get this wonderful period of time in which to roll through a variety of fantastic responses including:
You’re crazy
I told you not to do that
I can’t believe you did that
Why do you always do that
I can’t take it anymore
Why do you never listen
Why do you keep bringing that up
If you could get paid for every time you read something from your former partner that caused you to roll your eyeballs, throw the phone across the counter, or screenshot the exchange directly to a sympathetic friend, you would be SO VERY RICH.
There is a science and an art to texting with your child’s other parent.
Understanding both the art and the science of texting will relieve you of so much of the drama that happens when your fingers and eyeballs jump on your phone.
Here is the science:
Pause before you text. This is a simple one. Breathe. Stop. Don’t. Do whatever it takes to not do anything. The power is in the pause to be able to take on the rest of the tips below.
Never text while in the throes of an emotional response to an emotional issue. Wait yourself out. There is a 90-second chemical response that happens in your body after you have a reaction to something inflammatory that your former partner texted. After 90-seconds, you’re the one feeding the feeling. Let your body run its minute and a half course before you respond.
Text only what you would want your kids to read. Yes. I said that. I realize this may have you running to your phone to delete the text thread with your former partner right now. If you don’t want them to read what you have written, then delete it. Don’t pretend that your kids won’t come across it. Don’t count on your former partner to not screenshot it and send it to your kids. Text in a way that you would be happy to stand by. Do not reduce yourself in the eyes of your children just to get a snarky “win” with your former partner.
Text information, not feelings. Your feelings are no longer the responsibility of your former partner (if they ever were). Yes, what they texted may have hurt. Yes, it may have made you feel frustrated after a difficult day. Their tone may make you feel disrespected, overlooked, accused, or ignored. Their text may have revealed new problems, dramas, or rehashed the old ones. Whatever the case, returning to the offender to make you feel better WILL NEVER WORK. Your feelings are real and deserve the kind and careful attention that you can give them, not your former partner.
Look for shared values based statements. If you both want good things for the kids, text that. If you both care a lot about their education, their connection with their grandparents, their cleanliness, their eating habits, or their screen time, text that. Starting with texting “I know we both care about ___, and it seems like we are going about it from different perspectives” lets there be a connective home base from which to build.
That’s the science of texting.
Here is the art of texting.
The art is in the questions. There are differing camps about whether to ask questions of your former partner or whether to communicate in a way that leaves no questions. Both are valid. Both need to be applied in different situations.
Asking questions - What do you think? Do you see it like that? What am I missing? Is that happening with you as well? - implies that you do not have all of the answers. It is a respectful approach to a coparent. It invites them into a conversation. It keeps you from assuming that you in your 50% time or 70% time with your kids know all that there is to know about them.
By the same token, asking questions can also prolong a conversation that doesn’t need a back and forth. For example:
“I’m taking the kids to my moms and plan to buy tickets for this date and time by 8pm tonight. Please let me know if you have any concerns before that time.” The alternative, a question, might ask is it ok if you buy tickets. This puts you in a place where you are waiting for a response that might not be timely for your purchase.
“I’ve packed a suitcase of clean clothes for the kids, and I would be grateful if you could return them clean to me as well.” As a question, you might ask if your coparent would clean the clothes upon their return. This opens up conversation that is likely unnecessary and may result in unkept promises (thus triggering more frustration and more texting about the problem).
“It’s better for me if we don’t talk about the past anymore, so I’m going to focus on our kids and the future.” Again, as a question you are asking if they would like to join you in your future focused approach. Chances are if this text needs to be written in the first place, your former partner is not moving on in the ways you are. A statement fits here because it closes the conversation and simply reinforces what you plan to be about going forward.
Do you see now that there is a science and an art to texting during and after divorce? It takes time to dial into both in a way that gets you unhooked from your former partner. Experimenting with different ways of communicating over text is critical to your overall mental health so that you stay in the driver’s seat of your own emotional response and lead with the best parts of yourself in writing.
