Get Used to Saying These Two Words After Divorce
Divorce changes so many things about your family, and your lingo needs to adapt right along with it. Most moms I know operate as the cruise directors of their homes, ensuring the kids are where they need to be, arriving at the right time, bringing the right equipment, making sure their daughters have ponytails in that *just right* spot, and stocking everyone with food for the journey. It’s hard to let go of that role after divorce, especially when chances are some part of your kids’ lives are lived at a different address. Things don’t always go as you would direct them to when you are not in charge.
You’re going to hear stories about that time away from you. If you nurture the right open communication environment with them, you will start to hear things. Some of these stories will cause your eyeballs to raise. Some will make your heart sink. And some will make you want to say, “What the $&%^#?”. You’re unprepared. Never fear. You only need two words in your arsenal. They are the surest of comebacks to help you while you figure out the next step:
“Oh?”
“Oh?” is the divorcing moms anthem when talking with her kids after their weekend with the other parent. Use “Oh?” when your kids tell you stories that the other parent:
Brought a new girlfriend with them to the zoo. “Oh?”
Forgot to bring water and snacks to the soccer practice. “Oh?”
Let the kids stay up until midnight on Saturday night. “Oh?”
Let them eat cake for breakfast. “Oh?”
Said you were stricter than they are. “Oh?”
“Oh?” is your go-to, ready for anything, pause word while you collect yourself after new information. “Oh?” is the alternative to what you really want to say…
About the girlfriend – “You’ve GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.”
The water and snacks – “Maybe if they looked at the detailed list of instructions I sent that wouldn’t have happened.”
Late bedtimes – “Great, now I get to deal with how exhausted you are.”
Cake for breakfast – “It must be nice that they have all the fun while I do the hard parts like get you to try fruits and veggies.”
Parenting digs – “I may be stricter but at least I’m doing the hard work of parenting.”
“Oh?” is for moments of surprise. It’s not the last thing you will say, but it puts some space between you and the thing you don’t want to be on record saying to your kids.
“Ugh.”
“Ugh” buys you time as well. Kids with two addresses now have a built-in comparison to make between homes. They have opinions about how things look, feel, and are administered, and at some point, you are going to hear about it. They’ll comment that the other parent:
Doesn’t show up on time. “Ugh.”
Doesn’t have the right food and that makes it hard. “Ugh.”
Has way fewer rules about screen time than you. “Ugh.”
Doesn’t let me have sleepovers. “Ugh.”
Has a dog and you don’t. “Ugh.”
Ugh is your go-to, ready for anything, empathy word when you hear your kids and their disappointment. “Ugh” is the alternative to what you really want to say…
About time. “They never have been and never will be on time and put you first.”
About the lack of food. “I’m sick of how they never think through when you guys are going to be there.”
The screen time rules. “What you mean is I’m doing the hard work of parenting, and they’re trying to be your best friend.”
The lack of sleepovers. “Well, then you should tell them you want to stay with me more often.”
The dog. “I can’t afford a dog because of how little my child support is and now I have to listen to you whine about it.”
“Ugh” is for when you don’t quite know what to do with the pain that these living arrangements cause for your kids and for you. Again, it’s not the end of what you will say, but it puts some distance between you and the time you need for a civil and supportive response.
Your kids don’t want to hear you trash talk their other parent. And you don’t want to have to apologize later for doing it. Use “Oh?” and “Ugh” as your stop gaps to give the situation a little breathing room while you regroup for how to best handle it a little later.
Coaching can help you figure out how to handle these situations going forward and get your heart in a good place to absorb the ongoing surprises of co-parenting. Schedule your free discovery call here.
