How Do I Know When it is Time to Divorce?
This past week I’ve spoken with a number of people who are slowly and painfully realizing that divorce is their next step. These are people who have been contemplating the stagnant or deteriorating states of their marriage relationships for years. They are creeping up to the idea of divorce with both the reluctance that comes with facing the fact that they are now here, and the deep hope that something will change so that they don’t have to keep going in this unwanted direction.
What these people crave is relief without divorce.
It’s a fair request. It’s an attempt to bargain with the universe to make it all better, so we don’t have to face what we suspect will be even greater future pain. It’s also wrapped in a deep fear that we may have missed that one as-yet-unseen way to fix the marriage. Is there one more book, program, professional, or trip that would perhaps right the marriage meaningfully enough to save it? We ask, “Should I give it more time?” At the core, though, we ultimately just want to know:
Did I do everything I could to avoid divorce?
This is a question that demands a solid answer. If this is you, pay attention. If you haven’t yet, take this question to the people that love you most in your community. Ask your mom, ask your girlfriends, and ask your co-worker. Ask your mountain biking buddy, your boss, and your friend who is a therapist. Ask your pastor, your hairdresser, and your dog. Ask everyone. What you will likely notice, and what the people I talked with this week noticed, is that the answers your community gives you are just that: their answers. Your community can give you their answers to your question. You can ask it as much and as often and for as many years as you wish. It won’t click into becoming your solid answer, because it is their answer, and not yours.
The knowing that you crave cannot be transmitted to you over lunch with a friend. There is no deep measure of reassurance that can come from anyone outside of you. The way of divorce is a solitary route. It agrees to walk into enormous discomfort with no guarantee of relief. It knowingly exposes what is broken. It fearfully steps into the unknown.
Only you in your quietest moment can determine if divorce is next for you. And although it is a great unknown that lies ahead, your most reliable relationship going forward will be with yourself. What do you need to nurture in yourself as you move ahead? A few suggestions:
A willingness to leave the comfort of your current comfort zone (which is largely uncomfortable), and enter into the personal growth journey that divorce will present. You will need to stretch past the known pain to the possible new pain.
An understanding that your very real fears about your children’s wellbeing during and after divorce circle right back to your own fears that you’re not big enough to walk with them through whatever this stirs up for them. You will need to rise to new levels as a parent and know that you will grow in capacity to handle the new scenarios presented to you along the way.
A commitment to meet yourself where you are on an ongoing basis, to have your own back, and to do the work of imagining a very real, very new thing. You will need to direct this path with your best self - with grace, hope, and a differently shaped love to support yourself and your family.
It’s ok to take your time with this question of whether or not it is time to get a divorce. It’s ok to get everyone’s input. Just know that the way will never be made clear in the hearts of others. They can’t fully know what it means for you to reach this point. Wait quietly with yourself and the knowing will emerge. Most importantly, start to set an intention now, regardless of the outcome, to nurture these three new places in yourself as you go.
