How Do I Ask For A Divorce?
Finally arriving at the decision to divorce takes so much energy and self-reflection that it can be hard to do the part where you actually follow through with it and say the words.
Why? If you’re like most of my clients, you hesitate to make the announcement due to fear of your spouse’s response.
You get all worked up rehearsing the conversation and practicing your delivery, because you feel you’re about to go on the defensive. If you can just explain your very hard earned work to get to this reluctant spot, then somehow your well-worded explanation will make it less painful for your spouse. While it is true that you need to do some thoughtful prep, the news for your spouse is usually a blow, and there is little you can do to avoid that. You’ll need to stand in your own truth to move forward.
So how do you ask ask for a divorce the right way?
How to Ask for a Divorce? Don’t Ask, Tell
There is a delicate art to initiating a divorce conversation and opting for a 'tell' instead of an 'ask' can be a more honest approach. It's essential to shift your mindset from asking for permission to informing of a decision. This is not about seeking approval but rather expressing a choice that has been carefully considered. The phrase "Don't ask, tell" encapsulates the notion that a divorce is a decision that involves both individuals but is not contingent on the other person's agreement. As the saying goes, it takes two to get married, but only one to divorce. Choosing this approach can be a powerful moment for you to take control of your own narrative.
Explain with the intent of being misunderstood
I know you do not like being misunderstood, but when initiating a divorce you will almost assuredly be misunderstood. So rather than enter in thinking that if you explain yourself enough you’ll get your spouse’s buy in, it's wiser to enter in with the intention of being misunderstood. This doesn't mean purposefully creating confusion, but rather recognizing that your spouse’s own emotions will likely impact their response. This is not a moment for comprehension; it is most likely a moment for shock. While it's natural to want to explain yourself thoroughly, it's equally important to understand that your spouse may not fully grasp the complexities of your reasoning in the heat of the moment. Articulating the reasons behind your decision feels like a way for you to rationalize and explain, and you should give a top-level explanation. But here’s the trick — your explanation does not need defending. It’s your experience, and you are allowed to have your own unique experience of it.
Let your spouse respond without the expectation of consensus
After you have announced divorce, I recommend you very consciously step back from your spouse’s response. Your spouse is permitted to direct their own response, and your attempts to convince them of your good idea are useless. Once the decision is communicated, sit with your spouse’s response (or non-response) without the expectation of consensus. Married people love consensus, and they work hard to try to stay in it. People who are getting divorced, though — well, at least the healthier ones —understand that consensus going forward may not be possible. That’s not to say that you should try to get on different pages, but rather that being on different pages is a natural part of this process as you each make sense of your responses in your own context.
Emotions may run high in this conversation, and reactions may vary widely. While your spouse may express immediate understanding, they may need time to process the news. Being open to a range of responses and allowing space for your spouse to express their emotions is an important part of the divorce conversation.
As Taylor Swift would say, it’s delicate — this balance of directness, empathy, honesty, and differentiation. Choosing to 'tell' instead of 'ask,' explaining with the intent of being misunderstood, and sitting in your spouse’s response without expecting consensus can get you started on what may be a tricky road ahead.
If you’re ready to work on your announcement, we can workshop that in only one divorce coaching session. Book a time on my calendar here to get started.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult) while also saving you loads of time and money. My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
