The Divorced Mom Starter Pack
I have a friend who is a medical doctor, and I love to hear stories about how people approach him at parties to get medical advice. From lifting their shirts, to discussing their bowel movements, it is shocking what people will do when they need to get a question answered! As a divorce coach, I get my fair share of dark reveals. One question in particular though comes up a lot for me when I encounter a newly divorcing mom:
What are the fundamentals of doing Divorce well?
Great question. It’s a question that also tells me this woman sees the natural course of divorce events (unresolved anger, torn kids, and all around discomfort in the new life) and is curious about how to get somewhere different. This woman wants abundant life, not the divorced life. She wants relief from the tedious circles that divorce can cause her to walk in.
For all of you well-intentioned women out there, here is what you need.
The Divorced Mom Starter Pack
1. Get Clear on Your Future Hopes
First, get really clear on what you want this to look like in the future. This doesn’t mean you get to fantasize about how your former partner turned into the most gracious, attentive, and responsive person. It means you get to design the parts of YOU that you want to show up, grow up, and lead in this new phase of your life. Too many women create a future imagination around an imaginary former spouse. This. Is. Useless. You only have influence over YOU. Seize on that. What qualities do YOU want to bring to bear in your post-divorce family? What do YOU want to offer the situation? If your former partner never changed, what do YOU see yourself becoming in order to best absorb that reality?
2. Commit to Rising Above
The high road is a beautiful place to live from, but it means that you have to commit to the long and winding road that leads you to it. Rising above and walking the high road means you honor yourself, develop self-awareness, offer generous listening, manage your hot button triggers, work with obstacles to find new ways, allow others what is important to them, and develop new boundaries. It’s a long list! That’s why we watch so many people not taking the high road and resorting to the easy access road of divorce. That road is shaped by overwhelm, fault finding, convincing others, reacting, quitting, pushing, and inconsistency. There is a different way for those committed to the climb.
3. Be the Creator, Not the Victim
Victimhood is a really easy spot to occupy in divorce. We moan that our lives are now hampered, ruined, yanked around, and darkened by our forced relationship with this person with whom we had children. Yes. It’s true. Your life is hard. It is. Now what? If you convince me or anyone else of just how hard it is, does that make you feel better? It might. But does it change that tomorrow you still have to wake up in that same body with that same story and figure out how to live in it? No. Have your pity party. But afterward, take your hard story and start working with it. You were made to create. Get to work.
4. Tell the Story from Your Kids’ Perspective
You get one chance to write the story of your divorce. Your kids will retell it to every person they date and introduce you to in the future. How do you want it to sound from their perspective? Divorcing moms who ask me for the Divorcing Moms Starter Pack want to be in the room and smiling when this story gets told. They want to know they moved with dignity, care, and consideration even as their entire world crumbled. They care most that their kids are supported, loved, and directed through this destabilizing time. Be that mom. It is possible. We need more of you.
Of course there are loads of other suggestions I could offer you as you enter this daunting process in your life. But for today, embrace the elements of this starter pack. Start getting yourself in a position to lead this process and not be the victim of it. There is light for those who keep walking, keep searching, and keep uncovering the next best step. Want support as you move through it? Hop on a call with me here to add loads of new tools to your starter pack.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult) while also saving you loads of time and money. My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
