Time for The Ugly Holiday Cry
Let's cry.
I'm not joking.
It's time.
These holiday build up weeks are revealing to us how much our hearts ache, how much we fear what family really means now, and how much we just want these last days of December to be over.
It's enough to make you cry.
And some of you need to do just that.
Instead, many of you are pushing back the tears, wanting to be strong, attempting to not cry, and forcing the real and dark feelings you are having back into your tired body. You're afraid if you start crying you won't stop. You're using anger at your former partner to masquerade the pain. You're telling yourself to get in the right headspace about it. You're convincing yourself (unconvincingly) that a positive attitude will make all the difference.
The truth you resist is that the holidays have a way of forcing you to grow a tremendous amount in your divorce recovery in a rather short amount of time.
So much is shifting around:
Some of you will be introducing new traditions.
Others will say goodbyes on special days that feel incredibly painful.
You might be sharing uncomfortable dinners with former partners for the sake of the kids.
You may feel awkward sending out holiday photo cards (or forgo sending them at all) because it's weird to not have your former partner in the picture.
You might have an empty chair at your table that feels super empty.
You might be declining an offer to get the gang back together (bio parents + kids) because it's too much for your heart to handle this year.
You might smile big (but die inside) as you wish your kids a good time at their other parent's home for a week.
You'll likely be surprised and hyper self-aware about how you feel during all of your alone moments without the usual crew around.
You may even find yourself spending money on a gift for your former partner for the sake of your kids - the same person who nickled and dimed you on your divorce settlement.
Bottom line?
It's weird during a season of traditions to have so few to fall back upon.
My favorite holiday song is “Snow” by Sleeping at Last, and it's one that I use annually to help me trigger that all important tearing up holiday cry session. The song speaks so beautifully to the ache of these tradition shifting days:
The table is set and our glasses are full
Through pieces go missing, may we still feel whole
We'll build new traditions in place of the old
'Cause life without revision will silence our souls
So please just remember that there is hope on the other side of a good cry.
Give your great and honoring tears a chance to spill for all of the revisions, missing pieces, and shifting parts that you're contending with for the first (or maybe fifth) time.
And as you do, know that I'm passing you a tissue and see all of the hard work that you're doing to create something new.
