Why am I talking?

I have always had a little trouble with breathing.

My mom tells me that as a baby I came out sneezing and wheezing. Allergies were my birthright.

In middle school, I was always the girl who struggled to run all the way around the track during physical education class. Part exercise induced asthma and part why do people do this to themselves, I labored to find a way to breathe so that I could sustain myself long enough to finish.

Even now, I hike every week, but my fellow hikers always notice that my breathing seems a bit more labored than the climb requires.

And while I may have drawn the short straw on respiratory capacity, I will tell you this.

My divorce taught me how to really breathe.

Not breathe like, “Oh, let me take in this beautiful desert air.”

Not breathe like, “Oh, I’m so glad I’m rid of him.”

It was more like I learned how to breathe and wait and hear myself.

Are you familiar with the acronym for W.A.I.T.? Why Am I Talking.

W.A.I.T. is the most beautiful summation of what many of us need to learn through and beyond divorce.

Why are you talking?

• Is it to be heard, to be understood, or to be seen by your former partner?

• Is it to convince your former partner of your perspective?

• Is it to get empathy?

• Is it to try to control your former partner’s feeling states and outcomes?

My recommendation to use the W.A.I.T. reflection is not my attempt at subtly telling you to shut up. I have as many clients learning how to speak up loudly for themselves as I do clients who are learning how to be less reactive. Regardless of which path you are on, in divorce you need to understand why you are talking, if it is necessary, and if it is wise.

W.A.I.T. is simply taking a breath and asking Why Am I Talking and listening to your answer.

Do you like your answer? Is your answer useful? Is what you are saying going to get you anywhere?

Divorce requires us to rethink how we communicate with our former partners. Strategic, distanced, business only, clean language preserves you and sets up careful boundaries for what entanglements you will allow yourself to get into with your former partner. Your ability to W.A.I.T. is one way for you to practice your own healing.