The 5 Things Our Kids Need from Their Mothers During Divorce

Your kids are the first thing you worry about when you start walking through divorce.  You fret over how to tell them, how they will respond, and what new struggles they will develop on account of this new storyline.

As a divorcing wife, parts of you may be all kinds of angry, resentful, and scared for what the divorce may hold for you personally.  But I’d really like to talk to the divorcing mother part of you right now.  The divorcing mother part of you needs to rally to set the stage for your kids to experience this life-shifting divorce in a way that they feel safe, secure, and heard.   

Your kids need you to be the narrator of this new chapter in your lives.  The story has already taken an unexpected turn for them, and they are likely wondering what happens next.  Get in front of their fear and wondering by doing the following on regular rotation:

1.     Acknowledge the change.  Your kids already know that you cry and that you’re not feeling 100% right now.  They might feel the same way.  Stating what’s happening to both of you is a relief to the family system.  Phrases like “Wow, this divorce is going to make things very different for us this year” and “I love that even though our family is changing, what never changes is that we love each other” should be on repeat.  

2.     Hear their hearts.  After you acknowledge that the whole family is experiencing change, wait quietly to see if they have any responses to your statement.  They might say “yeah” or “not really” or nothing at all.  That response is your window into what your child might need as they head into the adjustments.  A “yeah” is a chance to explore the places of change that give them anxiety.  A “not really” is a chance to hear where they are ready to move on.  Their answer might even encourage you to see where you’ve anticipated the changes to be more difficult than they do.  A quiet response means more might be buried in there.  No need to probe, just know that your child is processing much of the change internally.  Your conversation with them might be held days or weeks later after they’ve experienced more changes firsthand.

3.     Plan time for them to connect with both parents regularly.  If your custody schedule has the kids with you more, take the initiative to offer a few options for how and when the other parent could connect with the kids.  Be gracious as you extend that time on behalf of your kids.  Narrate for the kids that it’s going to be important that we touch base regularly with the other parent because that’s what love does, and we are thankful for that person in our life.  If you will be sharing your kids for a stretch of time, reach out and let the other parent know what your windows of availability might be for a short time of connecting with the kids during that period.

4.     Reassure your kids that Mom is OK.  Your kids worry about you.  It’s the sweetest thing in the world.  Let them know that you are OK, even if you are not.  Find that part of your mothering heart that can parent yourself and say, it’s going to be a tricky year but I’m really looking forward to ____.  Give your kids big smiles, and don’t add to their concerns by confirming them.

5.     Free them to enjoy their lives, wherever they are.  If the kids are with you, let them settle into a new normal.  Don’t emphasize who is not there.  Live as strongly as you can into what the new family arrangement looks like day by day.  If the kids are not with you, let them know you hope for them to have the very best time wherever they are and that you can’t wait to hear all about it when they return.  Don’t drag them down into the difficulties that you will inevitably face during their absence.  They are kids.  Let them be kids.

Your motherly voice narrating your divorce for your kids is of immense value.  Don’t underestimate how much your voice of affirmation, consolation, and encouragement will boost your family system.  Your kids deserve a mom who can walk confidently with them through these changes and be an unchanging source of support.  Be thankful that you get to play this vital role in their lives.