5 Coparenting Communication Headaches No One Tells You About
Please raise your hand if you have sent a text that has been ignored by your coparent.
And let me see those of you who had a time sensitive matter that needed a response from your coparent, and you received it after the fact (if at all)?
What about the one where you made a reasonable request for time swapping, but it opened up at whole slew of other issues?
I see you.
Coparenting communication is the delicate art of navigating shared parental responsibilities post-divorce, and it is shocking how easily it gets derailed. While your written judgment of divorce may spell out a coparenting communication plan that works, being a great coparent means you are also ready to deal with the more common issues that pop up like these:
Coparenting Communication Headache #1: No Responses
One of the surprising realities of co-parenting is the absence of a strictly enforced requirement to communicate. In your marriage, daily interactions may have been a given, but post-divorce, the lack of obligatory exchanges can be unsettling. Your former partner’s newfound autonomy in communication can trigger emotional responses for you, especially when they just do not respond. Being ignored is a form of cruelty and it drives you crazy.
Coparenting Communication Headache #2: You See the World Differently
As you as divorced parents spend less time together, your perspectives on what is best for your children are likely to diverge. When you lived under the same roof, there may have been a more natural alignment in parenting styles and decisions. However, physical separation can lead to distinct approaches to discipline, education, and extracurricular activities. Recognizing and respecting these differences is crucial for effective co-parenting; however, it involves a great deal of grief when you realize your influence and your goals for parenting may be undermined when they are not with you.
Coparenting Communication Headache #3: Your Former Partner Stayed the Same
Where you thought your judgment of divorce might whip your former partner into participating or putting the kids first or communicating more clearly, you’re dealing with the same person they have always been. The challenging communication styles that existed during the marriage are unlikely to magically disappear after a divorce. If conflicts arose from miscommunication or differing communication preferences earlier, these issues often persist in the coparenting dynamic.
Coparenting Communication Headache #4: Fear of Disconnection
Most coparents share a common fear: the fear of disconnection from their children. Whether it's the anxiety of missing out on significant events or the worry that the other parent might create obstacles, these fears can add an extra layer of stress to your coparenting relationship. Both parents are navigating the balance between staying connected to their children and grappling with the fear that the other parent may make this connection more challenging.
Coparenting Communication Headache #5: Underparenting
Underparenting is when when your coparent does not properly attend to an issue that you believe deserves a little more attention. Sometimes this can be medical — say, underappreciating the impact of a mental health situation — and sometimes it is logistical — once again, your plan was clearly laid out but not followed by your coparent. You’ll find underparenting cropping up in absentmindedness, failure to pay attention, and especially when your coparent gets a new girlfriend or boyfriend. It is a classic space for conflict and really puts a spotlight on the value differences that the two of you hold.
Pass the Ibuprofen
So what’s the treatment for these coparenting communication headaches? The biggest one is anticipation. You already know these headaches are coming, so why do you situate yourself to be so shocked by them? Write out what you know to be true about your unique communication headaches, and then do not try to solve them. Yes, I said do not try to solve them. Allow for the fact that these headaches are likely yours for the long haul. Your attempts at changing them have been well-intentioned, but have not moved the needle for your coparent. Move your own needle. Adjust yourself to what this is and what it likely will be. It’s incredible what can happen when you shift away from solving or preventing and move into the space of anticipating.
Curious how to do that? I can help you get rid of your coparenting communication headaches. Schedule a complimentary call here.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult). My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
