How Do I Heal from Divorce?
I went on a house building trip to Mexico recently, and on one of the days I was on hammering duty. I wasn’t that skilled at first, and someone suggested I think about something that makes me really angry. Apparently I needed more force to wield the hammer effectively. So, like any previously divorced woman, I thought of my former partner.
Funny thing happened though — there wasn’t any anger there.
I thought back on all of the old and present grievances, and I couldn’t get any meaningful traction on any of it.
He was irrelevant. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t care any more.
Ten years ago I could have sunk a nail in one whack with the level of anger I had access to. Now, I had to find a different source.
I know you want that kind of healing from your divorce. You’re reading books and listening to podcasts and begging the universe for some relief. Let’s get clear here on what healing from divorce can realistically look like and give you some direction for how to get there, too.
Divorce Healing is Incremental
If healing is the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again, then please know that your divorce healing will not snap into place. It will evolve, come up, and appear along the way. You’ll get a whiff of it when you have your own bank account, when you have your own separate living space, and when the judgment is finalized. You’ll get some when you manage to sit through an event with your former partner in the same room and when you go on your first post-divorce date.
I watch people fight far too early for unrealistic levels of healing. Healing from divorce is at least a three year process, and after three years the last remaining themes or debris will be made clear.
Divorce Healing is Selfish
It’s hard to integrate this idea when your hope is for beautiful coparenting and both parties operating off of a “what’s best for the kids” framework. In the best of situations this often does not happen. After getting a front row seat to the collapse and rebuilding of the lives of hundreds of divorcing people, I can tell you that you welcome healing when you create and live from a life centered around your values. Yes, your former partner will deliver static, roadblocks, and difficulties around that, but true and lasting healing makes its way regardless of the resistance.
Own your life. Declare your values. Live from a centered space. And for the love of everything sacred, let your former partner be who they were going to be anyway. If they were in diapers you could change them. They are not.
Divorce Healing is Story Driven
What you say to yourself about what you’re going through has an incredibly shaping impact on your healing. At any point in time you should have a sentence-long story about where you are at in your process. Here are some examples:
I am going through a careful discernment process to make sure this divorce is my next step.
I’m pulling together my financial picture, because it’s the most important base for feeling secure in my negotiations.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through, and yet I know I’ll figure it out.
I’m through my legal divorce, but the dynamics of moving on still feel clumsy to me.
These are not one week sentences. You could live out one of these sentences for over a year, and yet that self-told story is still vitally important.
I know that you are clear on where you want to be — fully healed and over it. But the best kind of healing gets clear on where you are and builds in the healing from there.
Ready to build your healing? I can help you get there quicker. Hop on a call with me here to learn more.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult). My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
