How Does Divorce Mediation Work?
Full disclosure, I started my divorce with a mediator that did not manage our process well. Being a good mediator does not mean you just sit with a couple and reflect back to them what they are saying. Divorce mediation is an engaged, highly sensitive dance, and when done well, it is one of the most relationally productive and affordable ways to get divorced.
Divorce mediation is growing in popularity as couples seek to handle their divorces more amicably, keep greater control over their outcomes, and save money. Below I want to introduce you to the outlines of how the divorce mediation process works in six simple steps. [For the purpose of clarity, this post will address only mediation processes that involve the two spouses retaining a mediator independently. While mediation may be a part of your attorney represented litigated divorce, that process differs in enough ways to be covered at a later time separately.]
1. Establishing the Baseline for Divorce Mediation
At the core of divorce mediation lies voluntary participation. Both parties come to the table willingly, ready to engage in open communication and problem-solving. A trained mediator, neutral and impartial, facilitates the process. This impartiality is a key element; the mediator doesn't advocate for either party but guides them towards mutual agreements. The mediation process typically begins with a consultation where the mediator explains their approach and gives you a chance to share your goals and concerns. After both parties agree to mediate, the process moves to information gathering.
2. Information Gathering
To make informed decisions, both parties need a comprehensive understanding of their financial situation, assets, and liabilities. The mediator helps facilitate the exchange of this information, ensuring transparency and openness. With all the facts on the table, the groundwork is laid for crafting fair and equitable solutions.
3. Identifying Issues and Prioritizing Needs
During the mediation sessions, the mediator works with the couple to identify the key issues that need resolution. Whether it's child custody, spousal support, or division of assets, each matter is addressed systematically. Through open and respectful communication, the parties prioritize their needs, paving the way for mutually agreeable solutions. You may still be moving through the emotional stages of divorce at this point, and you will need to process big emotions outside of your mediation sessions.
4. Brainstorming and Problem Solving
Unlike the adversarial nature of court proceedings, mediation focuses on collaborative problem solving. The mediator encourages brainstorming and exploration of various options to find solutions that meet the interests and needs of both parties. This creative and flexible approach often leads to more personalized and sustainable agreements. In mediation, you have maximum influence over creating agreements that truly reflect the unique nature of your family and address individual needs. This step may also include the mediator connecting you to other professionals who may assist you in pulling together options and information including mortgage brokers, financial analysts, insurance agents, retirement account advisors, and realtors.
5. Drafting the Agreement
As agreements are reached, the mediator drafts a comprehensive document outlining the terms. This document becomes the foundation of the final divorce settlement. The beauty of mediation is that it allows for a level of customization that may not be achievable in a court setting. It reflects the unique needs and circumstances of the couple, fostering a sense of ownership over the outcomes.
6. Legal Review and Finalization
While mediators facilitate the agreement, they are not legal representatives. It is advisable for each party to seek independent legal advice to review the proposed settlement. This step ensures that the agreement complies with legal standards and safeguards the rights and interests of both individuals. Once the legal review is complete, the agreement is finalized, and the divorce process concludes.
One of the best side effects of a good mediation process is that it puts you in a position to practice healthy, supportive, distanced, careful, and future focused communication with a third party present. If you have children, you are likely going to need to do this kind of communication in the future, so the supervised practice round is a bonus.
The mediation process operates best when you are prepared to discuss what is important, handle inevitable conflict, manage emotional triggers, and make good decisions. Getting your head wrapped around good negotation skills helps too. I am a Certified Pre-Mediation Coach, and I’d love to help you get prepared for your mediation process. Hop on a complimentary call here, and we can make a game plan so you’re ready for what comes next.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult). My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
