15 Narcissist Divorce Tactics to Watch For

Narcissists enjoy watching you on an emotional rollercoaster. They make you feel as though everything is your fault, while also exhausting your ability to try to fight back. It doesn’t take long before you start acting out of character — lowering your own behavior without even noticing how you got there. If you feel like you are going crazy and things are out of control in your divorce with a narcissist, it is important to know what to expect and to normalize the narcissist divorce tactics that you may be receiving.

Narcissist Divorce Tactic #1: Belittling

Belitting is a disregard for your humanity, your perspective, and your heart. Narcissists excel at reducing you. This can also take the form of lack of empathy.

#2: Insults

If you as a faithful, truthful, and kind person have been insulted by being labeled unfaithful, untruthful, and unkind, your narcissist may be working on you. Their insults over time cause you to question if you need to take them seriously.

#3: Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone uses psychological means to cause you to question your sanity or your perspective. They insist on their version of events and leave you wondering if you experienced it the way you did.

#4: Playing the Victim

While you do the actual suffering, narcissists will portray to you and your community that they are in fact being victimized. They are not accountable for their own actions, and therefore your actions are twisted into a story where they are being targeted.

#5: Threats

Threats that are both empty and quite actionable are a key tool for narcissists. This keeps you afraid and inert and working ovetime to keep them placated. The fear that these threats induce keep you from holding on to yourself and your perspective.

#6: Criticism

You cannot do anything right. Even the right thing you may have done will be interpreted as an attempt to make yourself look better than your narcissist.

#7: Mind Games

This is another psychological trick used by narcissists to take away your power. They trick and trap you to fortify their one-up status and keep you uncertain.

#8: Withholding communication

For as much as narcissists say to inflict their damage, their silence is equally damaging. They will ghost you and go silent when you most need a response.

#9: Delays

The court system is a playground for a narcissist and delays and unnecessary motions are their swings and slides. They will insist that you are holding up the process while also ensuring that no progress can be made.

#10: Intimidation

When you are scared, you squirm. Narcissists get high on your squirming, so they do just enough of it to keep themselves entertained. Your fear and agitation are their energy.

#11: Passive Aggression

Passive hostility and communication avoidance is a beloved combination for narcissists. Together they prevent you from having honest and productive conversations, but the combination enables them appear as though they are quite engaged.

#12: Lying

They lie, over and over again, and often with no consequence. You will find yourself surprised at how good they are at it and how many people in your world believe them.

#13: Stalking

They are watching you to celebrate a slip-up, to get data for a future accusation, and to further their untrue stories about you.

#14: Turnarounds

When you accuse a narcissist, they will expertly turn the accusation back on you. You think they lied? Well, here’s where you did. You think they withheld? You are the chief withholder.

#15: Two-Faced Interactions

They present one way to their audience — congenial, participative, engaged, and ready to wrap it up. They present entirely differently to you in private — rude, threatening, withholding, and dismissive.

Your Counteroffensive Narcissist Divorce Tactic

If you’re noticing these patterns, you have only two immediate goals: disengagement and protection. Disengagement means having a communication plan that no longer allows access to the deepest parts of you. Ideally you cut off all contact, but in divorce this is usually impossible. Disengagement is a posture by which you limit access to yourself and communicate in a way to avoid their snares. Protection means you start prioritizing your own wellbeing and safety rather than capitulating to your narcissist. Protection can take all types of forms and approaches and can be tailored to your unique situation.

If you are scared to divorce your narcissist and need to figure out your own disengagement and protection plan, I can help. Schedule a complimentary call here to get started.

About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult). My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.