Dealing with Divorce Guilt
I talked with a former client recently about how she maximized the guilt window in her divorce to her advantage. The guilt window is commonly understood by divorce professionals to be a period of time when the initiator (or the badly behaving spouse) feels so bad about the divorce that they will concede to a number of unexpected things in negotiations. This kind of divorce guilt is usually temporary.
But what about the other kind of divorce guilt? You know, the guilt that starts when you consider divorce, hangs on as you move through it, and still lingers as you attempt to heal and move on? That guilt is sticky, and it needs a different kind of attention to address it honestly.
Notice the Complexity of Your Divorce Guilt
Wisdom begins with the acceptance of complexity. Divorce guilt often masquerades as shame, but is usually several strung together emotions including regret, sorrow, self-reproach, anger, and bewilderment. Start by acknowledging the intricate nature of your feelings and be open to the reality that growth lies in your ability to sit in the nuances of your emotions.
Remember This Was Co-Created
Life rarely adheres to black-and-white narratives. Divorce guilt gets less sticky when you start to transcend simplistic judgments about right and wrong. Understand that relationships are intricate dances, and the dissolution of a marriage is a collaborative unraveling. While you may feel that you are the villain, there was a shared responsibility in your relationship outcomes.
Tell a Complete Story
Divorce guilt requires mindful reflection on the experience you had during the course of your marriage and divorce. Ask yourself how you contributed to the dynamic that resulted in divorce. Ask yourself how your partner contributed to the dynamic that resulted in divorce. No one has to agree with your perspective here, it’s yours. Create a believable and honest retelling so that you can assess if your guilt is even necessary.
Remember Your Efforts
Self-forgiveness is hard to extend, but handling the complexities of human connections — especially when so many people were not raised in loving stable homes — is even harder. You tried. Make a list of everything you tried. Be grateful for the efforts you put into redeeming your marriage. Self-forgiveness is made easier when you realize this was not a knee-jerk abandoning of your marriage. You likely worked extremely hard for many years to avoid it.
Divorce Guilt is Temporary
Very few things in life are permanent. Divorce guilt, like all emotions, is transient. It does not define you. Divorce guilt is here for a time to teach you and form you. Can you lean into it and listen to it? What is yet unresolved? What unhelpful story still lingers? Where are you perpetuating the guilt cycle?
Divorce guilt is complex and is a stage in divorce that you may get stuck in. If you want guidance on handling your divorce guilt more productively, hop on a call with me here to learn more.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult). My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
