What to Do When You Can’t Just Accept It
I remember playing Chutes and Ladders as a kid and being obsessed with getting on that ladder space where I could go from the bottom beginning spot on the game board to almost the very top. Remember that one? It was a 56 step bump on a 100 step journey and it was my everything. More often than not, though, I would skip right over that spot, move super slowly to the top, and then hit that awful chute spot on the game board where it would send me all the way back down the board, erasing any progress I made (and making me want to quit the game entirely).
Fun fact, I thought of that exact game and that exact type of fall on vacation recently when I unglamorously fell down the stairs. It was the middle of the day and as we settled into the gift of a friend’s back cottage in West Michigan, I went upstairs to check on my daughter and her friends. After a quick visit, I turned to go back down the stairs and my foot slipped on the first step and down I went. Consciously as I was falling, I kept saying to myself, “Just don’t break anything.” Shockingly I didn’t and walked away with a giant bruise under my arm, evidence of my attempt to hold on to higher stairs and keep from falling. And just like when I was a kid playing Chutes and Ladders, it kind of made me mad, and it made me want to quit.
Chutes and Ladders is a little like your work in divorce around this idea of acceptance. I did not want to accept that at step 87 I was being sent back to step 24. It wasn’t fair, and I hated it. Same for my recent fall down the stairs. I wasn’t accepting it. Divorce and all of its attendant reality is hard to accept.
You know why? Because we have associated the acceptance of something with condoning it or even liking it.
Can we be honest for a minute?
You aren’t going to accept that your former partner just walked away from the marriage.
You won’t accept that they parent by putting themselves first.
It won’t be easy to accept their temper or their constant blaming of you and others.
Acceptance is a joke when your partner drained the bank account.
It’s not even on the radar when they make threatening statements about how the divorce is going to go.
It's hard to accept these things…because some of these things are inherently unacceptable.
So do yourself a favor and drop the insistence that you “just accept it.” Permission granted to not accept it. Here are two things I want you doing instead:
First, start using the word “allow” instead of “accept.” Acceptance means the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered, where allow means to permit. Allowing something to exist means you no longer push to change it, but it also doesn’t mean you condone it. Allowing is about letting life happen without your resistance thrown in there. Resistance is the opposite of allowing. When you allow, you agree that certain unpleasant realities exist and then you start to work with them instead of against them. Some questions to expand your allowing:
What reality in my divorce or recovery am I resisting right now?
If I were to allow that reality to simply exist and not feel forced to accept it, how would that change my thoughts, feelings, and actions?
What gift does allowing offer me? How is this good for me?
Second, focus on distance instead of acceptance. Change your phrase from, “I’m just trying to accept this” to “I’m working on getting some distance from this.” Distance is more easily achievable than acceptance and doesn’t require you to drop your values in the process. I’m getting some distance from his narcissism, her anger issues, his lack of communication, or her refusal to cooperate. It doesn’t work to accept narcissism, anger, terrible communication, or obstinance. These are unacceptable things, so stop giving yourself an impossible task. Trade acceptance for distance and see what happens. Some questions for getting distance:
What issue or reality do I need to get some distance from in my divorce or recovery?
How would I counsel a good friend to get some distance on this issue or reality?
How does distance benefit me? Why bother with it?
Acceptance is the holy grail, my divorcing friends, and my heart swells with happiness knowing so many of you that I talk to are pursuing it. But when it seems so entirely out of reach, it may be time to admit that it is and try on some allowing and some distance instead.
