Am I Codependent?
"Am I codependent” is a question that rings in the ears of many of my clients. It’s a great question to face head on as you move through divorce, because the healthier you are as an individual, the more stable your experience will be as you separate. Let’s make sure you understand the concept and then look at ways to keep your tendency toward it in check.
Understanding Codependency
First things first, what exactly is codependency? In simple terms, it's a behavioral and emotional condition where individuals develop a strong reliance on others for their sense of self-worth. It often involves an unhealthy attachment to others, with one person taking on a caretaker role while the other becomes overly dependent. I often describe codependency to my clients as being overly invested in the feeling states and outcomes of another person.
So how do you know if you are leaning in this direction? Here are a few checkpoints to help you gauge whether codependency might be playing a role in your life:
Self Identity Affects Codependence
Take a moment to reflect on how you define yourself. Do you find that your identity is heavily influenced by your relationship with your partner? If your sense of self is primarily derived from being someone's partner, parent, or caretaker, it's worth considering whether codependency is at play. This can be hard for people who truly enjoy spousal commitments. One way to distinguish loving interdependence from codependence is to understand that codependency is essentially an unequal relationship which puts one person above the other. Interdependence allows both people to be seen, understood, and assisted. Are you being seen in your relationship?
Codependents Struggle with Boundaries
Healthy relationships thrive on boundaries. Ask yourself if you struggle to set and enforce clear boundaries or if you find it challenging to respect the boundaries set by others. Codependent individuals often have blurred lines when it comes to personal space and autonomy. Boundaries, like consequences, have very little impact without follow through. Just because you state a boundary does not mean someone will follow it. In fact, you will likely need to teach the boundary multiple times. Effective boundary setting requires you to love yourself and your boundary more than your concern over how that boundary impacts the other person.
Emotional Rollercoaster of Codependency
Codependency can manifest in emotional highs and lows that are strongly tied to the well-being of others. Reflect on whether your emotional state is heavily influenced by the moods and actions of those around you. It's essential to cultivate emotional independence while still empathizing with others. Soft-hearted clients of mine can often see emotional independence as unloving and distant. Discerning what is truly loving behavior not only toward your partner but toward youself becomes an important issue to explore.
Fear of Abandonment
One significant aspect of codependency is a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Do you often go to great lengths to avoid being alone or feel overwhelming anxiety at the thought of being left behind? These could be signs that codependency is impacting your life. This also may keep you in a place of tolerating unacceptable behavior — emotional or physical abuse, manipulation, control — for fear of losing the relationship.
People Pleasing
People pleasers are some of the sweetest people, but they sure do take a hit for walking away from themselves. Take a moment to analyze your interactions with others. Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval or going out of your way to please others, even at the expense of your own well-being? Codependent tendencies often involve a strong desire for external validation. It can express itself as a warped version of love, but again, ignores your own reality in favor of your partner’s reality. It starts as loving, but can end as protective and scared.
Recognizing potential codependency is the first step toward positive change. It's essential to cultivate a healthy sense of self, establish clear boundaries, and foster emotional independence especially as you move through divorce. If you resonate with some of the points mentioned here and want to learn more, let’s talk. Book a complimentary call here.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult). My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
