Are You Haunted By Your Former Partner?

My body stopped working properly when I went through my divorce.

My digestion was unpredictable and nothing seemed to work right.

I used the word “uncontrollable” a lot.

For you to understand this story, I’ll need to venture into an embarrassing personal detail. Bottom line: I was either running to the bathroom or never needing it. Apparently there are various theories (that border on “woo”) for both of these conditions. Diahrrea is thought by some to be a refusal to welcome the new. Constipation is thought to be a refusal to let go of the garbage of the past. Whether or not those theories are true, they certainly fit my situation. My stress, sleeplessness, poor diet, and dehydration certainly played a large role too.

In the midst of this unpleasant physical reality was the nagging feeling that I needed to purge this divorce and rid myself of its power in me. I hear echoes of this a lot from my clients. They have this idea that they just want to be rid of their former partner’s heavy presence in their thought life.

For those of you up on pop culture, your former partner weirdly hangs on as your Roman Empire and you just want to be done.

In fact, there was an article in the New York Times recently that talked about this very dilemma. People who feel they are haunted by their past relationships are reporting that they are holding picture bonfires, drinking juice cleanses, cleaning and saging their spaces, casting spells, throwing plates, and purging social media. There is this desperation for relationship closure and a willingness to try anything to get it.

Years ago I did the same thing.

I actually did a colon cleanse during my divorce.

Given my struggle with my digestive system, it seemed the most fitting closure to welcome a different reality. I didn’t really care about the health benefits. I cared about my emotional life feeling better, and I imagined that a physical purging would give my heart the visual it needed to move on.

It was certainly meaningful, and I paid attention in the moment to the act of letting go. I really set my mind to releasing the relationship and the ensuing physical discomfort.

The result? It sort of worked. It sort of didn’t. While there wasn’t a magical before and after for me, the practice did honestly contribute to some much needed closure. It was important for me in that moment to take an intentional physical action toward moving on.

As a divorce coach, I feel it’s less about what you do for closure and more about doing something meaningful to invite it.

Closure rituals matter less as a magic “it’s now over” moment, but more as an agreement with yourself and a demonstration to your world that you are moving on. As for what method you choose to ritualize your unique closure needs, I would entertain quite a few conventional and unconventional (but still safe) ways provided they nudge you closer to the free space you for which you long.

In the other parts of your life, you easily understand that closure rituals are vital to creating meaning for ourselves (think funerals, retirement parties). What have you done lately to offer it to yourself around your divorce?

If closure in your divorce has been challenging, please schedule a complimentary call here for more support.