Flip the Script to Solve This Common Divorce Communication Problem
Divorce is a challenging journey, one filled with a rollercoaster of emotions, confusion, and a seemingly never-ending list of decisions to make. Amidst all the chaos, it's easy to get caught up in the desire for the other person to understand your perspective. Unfortunately, the truth is, in divorce, that's not always possible. However, there's a way to navigate this challenging aspect of communication successfully – by flipping the script.
When I flipped the script in my own divorce, the burden of communication got much lighter. I also noticed that my level of acceptance started creeping upward.
THE PROBLEM
In the world of divorce, wanting your former partner to understand your point of view can be a slippery slope. It often leads to frustration, disappointment, and even anger when your efforts seem to fall on deaf ears. The reality is, divorce is not a forum for mutual understanding and consensus-building in the same way a romantic relationship might have been. In divorce, it's a whole different ballgame, and it's essential to adapt your communication style accordingly.
So, what's the secret to effective communication in divorce? It's simple: ditch the desire for understanding and focus on three key strategies - making statements, holding onto yourself, and getting clear on your perspective.
1. Make Statements, Not Demands
In divorce, it's crucial to communicate your needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly without expecting your for partner to fully grasp your viewpoint. Instead of saying, "You should understand and consider how I feel," try saying, "Your response may be having the unintended consequence of causing me to disengage from the conversation” or “This conversation is challenging when we both have such differing opinions” or even “I appreciate that you see a clear path forward, but it doesn’t incorporate my concerns.” There are hundreds of different ways to make statements, but the trick is to pay attention to the observational nature of a statement. It stands alone. It does not need explaining. Making statements shifts the focus from expecting understanding to simply expressing yourself honestly. This approach empowers you to communicate your needs without depending on the other person's understanding.
2. Hold Onto Yourself
During divorce, emotions run high, making it easy to get caught up in the drama of the situation. However, it's essential to stay grounded in your own truth and values. When communicating, remind yourself of your boundaries, priorities, and goals. Holding onto yourself means not letting the other person's reactions or lack of understanding dictate your choices. By doing so, you regain control of your own life, no matter how tumultuous the divorce process may be. Holding on to yourself means you don’t underreact and you don’t overreact. It means you’re not experiencing a spiral during every communication event. How do you do that? Remind yourself that your statements are enough. Remind yourself that pushing and insisting usually doesn’t get you anywhere. Remind yourself that your perspective stands alone without large paragraphs of explanation.
3. Get Clear on Your Perspective
Understanding your own perspective is vital in divorce. Take time to reflect on your feelings, needs, and desires. This clarity will help you communicate more effectively, even when the other party may not fully grasp your point of view. When you're clear about your perspective, you can express it with confidence and assertiveness, making it easier for both parties to navigate the situation.
In divorce, you can't always change how the other person perceives or understands your side of the story. However, you have the power to change how you communicate and respond. By shifting your focus from wanting the other person to understand to making clear statements, holding onto yourself, and getting a handle on your perspective, you can navigate divorce with greater ease and resilience.
Remember that effective communication is not about changing the other person; it's about getting really comfortable being YOU. In the end, as you flip the script and embrace these strategies, you'll find that the divorce journey becomes a little less tumultuous and a lot more manageable. It's time to communicate with confidence and self-assuredness – no matter what the other side may or may not understand.
Need help handling communication in your divorce? It’s one of my favorite things to coach on. Schedule a complimentary call here to see if your communication situation could be improved in only one session!
