Should I Get Divorced?
The question “Should I get divorced?” often hangs over your head and heart for many years.
There’s the one part of you…
that knows that you’re drained emotionally. The relationship does not fill you. You experience disconnection way more than connection. Your partner is unreadable. Your communication patterns are unhealthy. You feel alone and at times invisible. You have moments of realizing you’re done, and you start to think you’ll get a divorce.
And then something stops you.
Because there’s another part of you…
that kicks in and starts to wonder if you gave it enough time, counseling, patience, or energy. You wonder if there is a new way of reviving your relationship that you just haven’t tried yet. You spell out to your partner specifically what you need from them again. You worry about your finances, your kids, and your way of life outside of marriage and think the risk is way too much to tackle.
And then you’re right back in the disappointment, fear, frustration, let’s go, let’s stop cycle again.
This do I or don’t I cycle operates on repeat endlessly for you. You know the yo-yo experience of alternating between the roller coaster and the quicksand is incredibly hard on both your health and your state of mind. Evenso, rushing to a decision doesn’t solve it, nor does postponing it.
So what do you do? Let me lay out three steps that will get you out of the cycle and moving toward the conclusion.
Step 1: Acknowledge that you are conflicted.
Being conflicted is a part of every person’s divorce journey. The conflict often comes from competing realities. Here are some competing realities you may be experiencing:
My partner wants the divorce, but it will probably only happen if I take the steps to move it forward.
I can’t be in good relationship to my partner, but I do not want to lose time with my kids.
I want to be divorced, but I don’t want to go through the process of divorce.
I don’t want to be divorced, and if my partner could just show up and work on this we could maybe stay together.
Is it bad enough for me to divorce, or is this just what marriage looks like after this many years.
I’m not sure if I can take it anymore, but what the future looks like freaks me out.
Being conflicted simply means you have values, and those values are cancelling each other out. This is normal when you are approaching a decision about the future of your relationship.
Step 2: Fully explore both options.
Plenty of people think they have explored the options to stay married or to get divorced when they really have only listed them. They don’t actually do the work of fully exploring the financial, community, family, career, social, emotional, and lifestyle implications of both staying and leaving.
Getting clear on the impact of both options is a practice your brain will resist because it doesn’t want to do this very hard work. Looking at two different realities that include staying and being in pain or leaving and enduring pain does not register as an activity that your brain thinks is worthwhile. It will tell you to quit thinking about it, and you will retreat.
You will have to move through considerable resistance to fully explore the options. You will also have to sit in a great deal of unknown as you contemplate the question.
Step 3: Decide which cost costs you more.
There is a cost to staying married - perhaps that cost is limited connection, less than optimal hope levels, lack of support. There is also a cost to getting divorced - identity changes, financial disruption, life upheaval. There is not a pro-con list on earth that resolves this tension satisfactorily.
It comes down to which cost you are willing to pay. Staying married is costly to you. Getting divorced is costly to you. Which cost are you willing to pay? Which cost are you no longer willing to pay?
Once you’ve traversed these steps, you arrive at the do I or don’t I question with far more of your reality laid out in front of you. Reality in relationship disruption is often not that beautiful. The ugliness that comes up is a big part of what drives our behavior to hide from it.
When you’re ready to take these steps seriously, you’ll need support.
Taking responsibility for your life and consequences, being honest with yourself, and walking through this unwanted part of your life with your integrity intact matters. If you’d like support in making your divorce decision, please reach out and let’s talk about getting you out of the unhealthy cycle you’re in and being more intentional about what is next.
