Saving Thanksgiving in Divorce

I remember anticipating my first Thanksgiving after divorce with an enormous sense of dread.

No kids. Just me. Driving to see my extended family. All I could think was “Please let this go by quickly”.

Prior to that moment, Thanksgiving had been a time for me of gratitude, family gatherings, and cherished traditions. While walking through divorce, though, the holiday took on a bittersweet, even painful, dimension. The familiar rituals that once brought warmth and joy for me felt tainted by loss and uncertainty.

The pressure to cover up these dark emotions and make Thanksgiving "normal" can be overwhelming. We strive to recreate the past, clinging to the hope that the laughter, the feeling of family, the sense of belonging will somehow magically reappear. But the truth is, we can't force the past to reemerge. The divorce has irrevocably altered the landscape of our lives, and Thanksgiving will inevitably be different.

This realization, while unsettling, can also be an important step in starting to create the new thing that your Thanksgiving needs. And like every good and successful change, it begins with acknowledging the loss. What you shed this year at Thanksgiving matters almost more than what you add on. Here’s my shortlist of what to let go of:

1. Let Go of it Needing to Be the Same

First and foremost, you must come to terms with the fact that your Thanksgiving during divorce will be different. It's okay to feel a sense of loss for the traditions, routines, and people who were once part of your holiday celebrations. It's natural to reminisce and even ruminate about the "good old days" when things were simpler. However, clinging to the past will only create more pain and disappointment. Let go of the idea that Thanksgiving should be the same as it used to be.

Embrace change and open yourself up to new possibilities. My dreaded Thanksiving marked my one and only solo sleepover with my grandma at her assisted living facility. I intentionally reached out to her to let her know I was feeling fragile this particular year. She invited me to a sleepover at her place, and we giggled for a really long time as we fell asleep that Thanksgiving Eve. The next day I got to be her chauffeur to the family events. It wasn’t what I was used to, but I am so very glad I didn’t miss the new thing.

2. Let Go of it Needing to Feel Normal or Settled

During divorce, there's a strong desire to make everything feel normal, especially for the sake of your children if you have them. While providing stability is essential, trying too hard to recreate a "normal" Thanksgiving can be stressful and counterproductive. Instead, acknowledge that this is a transitional period in your life.

Allow yourself to adapt and find your own version of the inbetween. Do not force a new normal too quickly. For some of you this may mean publicly acknowledging the change, and for others it may be best to keep it close to the heart. For me that first year, it meant I had a lot more and a lot deeper conversations with everyone at the family gathering. Asking about their lives and catching up felt like “me being me” in an inbetween.

3. Let Go of It Feeling Like a Family Failure

You are not a failure; your family is going through a significant life change. It's crucial to release the burden of feeling like your family is a failure during Thanksgiving.

Your family looks to you to narrate and guide everyone through this change, just like they have for their transitions to middle school, new jobs, and new medical conditions. You give meaning to your family. What kind of meaning do you want to give? For me, it was telling my kids that I hope they have an incredible time with dad and that they are always at the top of my thankful list. It was telling my extended family that I’m sad about what happened, but we are trying to organize ourselves around what family and life look like now.

In the end, Thanksgiving during divorce is a time for allowing the new to emerge in whatever setting and circumstances you find yourself in.

Along with the inevitably heavy emotions, this Thanksgiving might also be a day of surprises, reshaping, and reflecting.

Look for the glimmer of joy in the new, allow yourself to welcome the inbetween, and start narrating for yourself and your family where you are and where you are headed.

I’m so thankful you allow me to speak into your divorce experience! Thank you for all of the ways that you are divorcing differently.

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