When Your Kids' Favorite Trip Doesn't Include You

I make bound and printed photo memory books for my girls as Christmas presents each year. Despite my numerous complaints about how much time and energy goes into this gift, I do love reviewing the year through their eyes.

Something fascinating jumped out at me this year though when I was pulling together the highlights of their year.

Their favorite trip wasn’t with me.

Nope, it was with their dad.

At first, I had a jumble of different of feelings about it. A little bit of fear, a little bit of sadness, and a little bit of jealousy.

But as I dove deeper, I realized something crucial: their happiness does not and should not hinge on which parent they are with. And that's a big takeaway for any parent going through a divorce.

Here is where I directed my heart and mind to go with this story:

1. Their Happiness Knows No Boundaries

It hit me square in the heart that my girls were beaming about their adventure with dad. It’s a stark reminder that our children's joy isn't a reflection of our shortcomings as parents. It's simply about them relishing a great moment. For me, it’s a chance to really own and value and live out the truth that I want them to be well - really well - wherever they are in the world. At times that will necessarily not include me.

2. Joy Isn't a Zero-Sum Game

Their laughter with their dad, their joy with his side of the family, and their separate group text together does not in any way mean that they are upset or dissatisfied with me. My girls have endless rooms in their hearts for love, joy, and happiness. Love is not a fixed and limited product that has to be parceled out and shared. Love spreads out and takes up lots of space and can get bigger and bigger. The threat of a limited amount of love is imagined, not real.

3. Their Joy is a Teacher

Observing their excitement shed light on something really important. Their experiences and happiness can actually guide me in shaping our future adventures. Paying attention to what lights them up helps in planning and fostering more of those magical moments when they are in my care as well. I’m not looking to recreate or copy an event, but I am looking toward what gives them a sense of joy so that I can look for unique opportunities to inspire it.

4. Health in a Two-Address Life

Living well between two addresses is essential for post-divorce health for everyone in your family. Kids need that freedom and that space to thrive in both places they call home and with both parents that they love. It's not just about co-existing; it's about creating environments where they can flourish. Two-address family life requires we self soothe when we are not in the picture and free our kids to live well where they are.

So, here's to stretching our hearts out a little bit more to recognize and celebrate the moments when our kids' joy shines brightly, even if we aren’t directly in the picture. It’s about ensuring our kids are supported and allowed to pursue great experiences, no matter where they are or who they're with.

I’ll leave you with a few journal questions to stretch your heart out a bit more on this topic:

• Where am I limiting love?

• What does it mean for me to sacrifice for my children and to enjoy their lives differently than what I had originally planned?

• My children’s joy is not entirely dependent on me, and that makes me feel…

Keep at it. You’re getting there.