Why Is My Divorce So Hard?
The decision to end a marriage is seldom an easy one, and the process that follows can be even more demanding. Chances are you’re aware of most of the reasons your divorce is hard, but I want to remind you of this truth:
It is the collision and overlapping of all of Your Divorce challenges, both small and large, simultaneously that make It So terribly hard.
Here is what is happening all at the same time to make your divorce feel so hard:
1. You’re Probably Dealing with a High-Conflict Spouse
One of the most daunting aspects of divorce is navigating it with a high-conflict spouse. Their combative nature, constant friction, threatening communication, and unwillingness to cooperate can significantly escalate the difficulties. Communication becomes strained, negotiations - even simple requests - turn into battles, and reaching agreements seems next to impossible. The emotional toll of constantly dealing with conflict can be overwhelming and draining.
2. You’re Unsure about Your Divorce Timeline and You are Getting Impatient
Divorce rarely adheres to the short predefined timeline you had when you started. Instead it drags out in the most mysterious ways, which often leads to a sense of impatience and frustration. The uncertainty of how long the process will take can intensify stress and anxiety. As you desparately long for closure, the lack of a discernible timeline exacerbates your feelings of helplessness and drags out your healing process.
3. You’re Still Trying to Be Understood
You keep attempting to communicate your perspective or rationale with your spouse, hoping for understanding and cooperation. However, in high-conflict situations, these efforts can fall on deaf ears. Trying to reason with a spouse who refuses to listen or acknowledge your perspective is disheartening and emotionally taxing. You’re not sure how the divorce ends if you can never have a decent communication exchange with your spouse, even if it is through your attorney.
4. You’re Afraid Your Spouse Will Not Negotiate Well
Dividing things 50/50 seems so simple, but talk to anyone who has gotten divorced and they will tell you it is usually more complicated than you realize. These complications give your reactive and unregulated spouse a big area to play in for escalating your legal fees, emotionally exhausting you, and generally wrecking your personal well-being. The constant worry about how your good faith negotiations will be received by your resistant and argumentative spouse can weigh heavily on you.
5. You’re Inbetween Identities
It’s hard to know who you are when you are going through divorce. Are you the girl who makes eyes with that guy you’re seeing across the restaurant now? Are you just a forever depressed mess? Do you need to get a job? What do you do when you are alone? Is going out with couples still on your weekend plan? For years your life was intertwined with your marriage, and separating from that union leaves a weird space. Rebuilding a sense of self, discovering your altered personal identity in your new circumstances, and figuring out who the heck you really are all cause a great deal of stress.
So that’s why it’s hard.
You’re making enormously impactful decisions while your nervous system is crashing and while your spouse is being difficult.
You need to take care of yourself. My coaching program has walked hundreds of people through all of the hard stuff of divorce. Hop on a call with me here to hear more about how it can help you, too.
